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Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.
Re My Bum’s Still Sore From Last Summer: The well-intentioned parent (I assume mom) who doesn’t want to save chairs but also wants a chair when they’re not in the water is missing the obvious solution. If they’re in the pool early enough to see people claim chairs and then go to breakfast, JUST SAVE ONE CHAIR.
Chair saving is annoying and obnoxious when you’re not in the pool, but when you’re actively using a pool, dedicating one chair as your family’s home base isn’t rude! Get all your towels and your bag on one chair, and put all the flip flops under it or in front of it. This way, you get a place to put your stuff when not in the water, but you also get a chair when you’re not in the water.
Trust me, nobody gets irritated by a family saving one chair when they’re using the pool. We never get to the pool first thing in the morning on vacation (we’re usually visiting a mouse or princesses), so we don’t get to the pool until late afternoon. I can usually find one chair to put all our stuff on.
Why didn’t I think of this?
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Re My Bum’s Still Sore From Last Summer: Another suggestion might be to approach the campground administration and ask them to institute a “No Saving Seats” rule to make things fairer for all the campers.
I suppose it’s worth a try, but if I ran a campground, I would not want to be responsible for enforcing this rule.
Re Scared: I was sent to an ‘80s facility in my teens by addicted parents. They did not make the connection that living with them was hard, and they were not parenting as well or even at all. The kids were not supported, and were abused and kept just above the line that would involve neighbors intervening. I downplayed this for decades, until I could not handle my adult life anymore.
My idea for the husband of Scared is to attend online therapy in the safety of his home. I attended weekly sessions with an individual therapist and also took every group therapy remote class available that seemed to apply to me. I used two different apps and tried one outside therapist over the phone. It was expensive ($400), but in six months, I had a way better outlook and tools, and never left the comfort of my pajamas and insulation of my home. I was ready.
I hope he is ready too. The first step was the hardest (paying $$$ was that step, and insurance did not cover it). I was unable to bring myself to participate actively in group therapy, but I read every note by others, and I found The Attachment Project, which helped me understand my parents, grandparents, and myself. That part was free, and YouTube has a lot about attachment that can give comfort and tools.
I hope this reaches them before he hurts himself. Of all of the kids in my dysfunctional family, I am the only one who isn’t in prison, or has served time, attempted suicide, or had a child at 14. I feel fortunate. I attribute finding therapy on my terms to saving me from more harm, and I am very happy with my life despite all the setbacks and financial consequences I am still paying.
Wow, congratulations to you for figuring this out. Your story is a great reminder that it’s possible to piece together things that help you. For example, it never would have occurred to me that someone could do group therapy classes, not participate, and take what was helpful. It sounds like the one thing you have that the letter writer’s husband doesn’t is the motivation to help yourself. But it definitely wouldn’t hurt to share these ideas with him.
Re My Mother Isn’t Dead: My advice would be to skip the funeral but to write letters of condolence to people he might want to connect with later. That way, he’s opening a line of contact but giving the recipients a choice of engaging and the space to come to term with their feelings before doing so.
Moderately Alone, you haven’t told us one positive thing about your partner. That’s telling. I think you have become very dissatisfied with your relationship, but for whatever reason, you haven’t told them that you think you should go your separate ways. Now you are deflecting your dissatisfaction with your partner onto the new member of the group. It’s OK not to like her, but you really need to take a serious look at your relationship because it’s not working.
I absolutely agree. It’s pretty clear that even if this member of the friend group disappeared, our letter writer would not be happy in the relationship.
More for Anti-AI Stepson: I would just tell her the first part: “You are a spectacular artist,” and indicate that I think the books were SO much better and more charming when she used her own art instead of something AI made for her. AI averages everything out and makes everything look generic. Those drawings are far inferior to her own.
This gets the message across without being critical or lecturing. I love it.
My husband and I recently reconnected with an old friend of his from high school. We all went to the same school; the two of them were fairly close in high school, never dated, while we knew of each other but weren’t really friends. We are all now in our 40s and live in the same area many states away from where we grew up. We have all lived here for 10+ years but only just connected with this old friend at a mutual friend’s birthday party. We had a nice time catching up and agreed to make a better effort to hang out. We thought we had made new/old friends, but now it’s getting very intense very fast and I’m creeped out.